I gots me a rant!

Hello Fellow Foodies!
It is a great day to be alive. I managed to do my hair, put on some make-up, and actually dress like I looked in the mirror. I not only fit into my old favorite pair of jeans again ( had to hang them in the corner of the closet cause I got too fat to wear them), I need a belt to keep them up! So I am feeling good. What could I possible have to rant about today, you ask?

CRAZY PEOPLE...no, I am not talking about regular crazy people. I am talking about CAAAARAAAAAYYYZEEEEEEE (sing it like Carson Kressley) people. You know them...you have them as friends. They are the ones who read all the articles, and follow all the health/diet fads. Remember the girls in the mid to late 90's who were all on the Adkins (or some other carb-starvation) diet? Yeah, I hate to say it, but they didn't go away-they just morphed into low-fat, no-milk, zero-gluten, organic-turkey-only eating, zealots. Or worse yet are scared into every health related chemical avoidance there is. Or worse than that...THEY ARE BOTH!!!

You know who you are. I know who you are. And I would just like to set a few things straight.

First-Carbohydrates are not the enemy. Got it? Good. There are tons are very good for you carbs that you can consume with nearly reckless abandon, such as: brown rice, whole grain products, fruits, starchy veggies like green peas and sweet potatoes. OK, OK I will admit that white four, white rice, and plain white potatoes rarely-if ever-make an appearance in my home. But if you are that girl sitting at the table behind me who is 250 pounds and I hear you say to your bestie "well, you see, my trouble is carbs." I will turn around and punch you, you got it? Your trouble is NOT carbs, your trouble is your ass, or the fact that you can't get off it and move it around enough to loose some weight. Your TROUBLE is that no one has shown you where all the Gyms are! Run, don't walk, run (cause you need the exercise) to Google maps and find them!!! Then please oh please hire a personal trainer and get a book on healthy eating like Dr. Oz's "YOU-On a Diet".
See there-I even gave you a pic of the book so you have no more, carb-laden excuses.

Next-low fat does not in any way mean you have a pass to sit with a bag of chips between your ample thighs and eat the entire thing while watching "Bridesmaids" or "Something Borrowed". Low fat is not low guilt, or zero calories. Got it? Really? Did you know that most low fat foods contain more sugar and salt to make them taste good, because some asshole took all the fat out for you? Yeah-that's right fatty...MORE SUGAR which turns to fat in your lazy-assed system, and more salt to spike your already high blood pressure cause you are fat! Oh and if you ask me for low fat cheesecake, cream cheese, muffins, flan, or any other dessert, STOP! DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, GO DIRECTLY TO THE FRUIT AISLE!!! Oh and if you do ask for those foods, as I said above, I will punch your lights out. Desserts are treats. Like...once a month, or one every other week. If you need a low fat version, then you are seriously eating to much dessert!
(deep Zen breath)...where was I...? oh yes-

 NEXT-No Dairy, No Gluten people. If you are lactose intolerant, or a sufferer of Celiac Syndrome you are excused from this paragraph. However, if you are not either of these things and are avoiding these foods because you think it will make you healthier...YOU ARE WRONG!!!! The first written record of humans consuming cow's and goat's milk dates from 9,000BCE. Yup-that's right you CASIEN-PHOBIC fools. I think after 11,000 year of mainly mass consumption of milk it might be safe. DO NOT email me about some article you read to the contrary. Chances are it was either written by, or sponsored by PETA, and don't even get me started on those flour-flinging-freaks!!! Milk is a safe, rich, and healthy source of calcium, protein, carbs, and lipids. Dairy products such as buttermilk and yogurt (especially the Greek kind) help to boost your digestive health and immune systems. And seriously, folks, what would that glass of Red Zin be without a nice slice of Roquefort?

 As for Gluten, it is also a protein that is very good for you, unless you are allergic. I know Miley Cirus just went all 'gluten-free' and is claiming she has lost a bunch of weight. But let's face it again, folks, she is also a celebrity. That means while she is not performing, she is with her personal trainer starving herself while working out. To see an actual Health related article on what I am talking about go to: http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/healthy-eating/nutrition/diet-myths-debunked/ where real health experts will tell you the same darn things I am saying right here.
As for you chemical avoiding people out there...WASH YOUR DAMNED VEGGIES!!! OK-I have to admit here that I do buy Organic Milk, and I did invest in a friendly-farm-raised-grass-fed-grass-finished-all-organic side of cattle for myself and my family. See: http://www.lazy69ranch.com/order.html for the good stuff. But if you are avoiding produce because it is laden with pesticides and chemicals, just wash it off! You can get this stuff in nearly every grocery store called Earth Friendly Fruit & Vegetable Wash, or you can make your own with a recipe from: http://frugalliving.about.com/od/cleaningtipsandrecipes/qt/Produce_Wash.htm

Then, please of please, shut up about the pesticides that keep bugs from invading your food and screwing up the supply chain. Thank you.

Last but not least...I have not forgotten you, my granola munching-tree hugging friends. Please put some deodorant on your STANKIE PITS!!! That's right-you know who you are. Let me state that I know there is a small link between antiperspirant and breast cancer, but not everyone who used these products dies. NUFF SAID! Studies show that 100% of people who are born...wait... for... it....DIE!~!~!~! If you are simply religiously opposed to the use of aluminum based antiperspirant-there are lots of plain deodorants out there for you. Please use them! From TOM'S of MAINE to OLD SPICE, you can get aluminum free stink protection. If you can't find the aisle upon which these products are found, then you just need to go back to your cave and stay there, Chakka!

So, that about covers my aingst for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a recipe.


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